I could spend the next two weeks sat here, eating M&S Millionaire’s Mini Bites, but my waistline wouldn’t thank me and neither would the rest of my life.
The Onslaught’s still active — a little behind its intended schedule, but still going so I’ve not gone and shot myself entirely in the foot there…just lopped off a toe maybe — but I was running the risk of all but forgetting my Concern.
You remember Christmas? Yes – it’s all much the same. Fundamentally. The coping is a lot better and the anxiety is a hundred times better. The problems behind the scenes aren’t any different, despite my best efforts.
But my best efforts probably haven’t been the best efforts going. I’m more than aware of that. I’ve not had the energy or wherewithal to focus on getting through the days and trying to think outside of the box to bring about that kind of change. As ridiculous as it sounds to be afraid of job hunting, it has become a huge anxiety trigger for me…not so much the act of job hunting as the psychology behind the need to do so in the first place.
And the efforts in other areas are best just glossed over with some heavy emulsion. That’s just embarrassing.
I’m not right now, either. But I’ve got two weeks off work. Two weeks in which I need to make some positive changes in my life. I don’t have any money but I do have a fair amount of time, so even if I just manage to add to my Concern most days for two weeks, I’ll have brought about some kind of positive change.
That’s a place I want to get back to and this is certainly a way to help me do it. I’m not planning anything, because that way madness and disappointment lies – but I am going to see where the notion of just sitting down to write something about where I’m at every day will take me.
I’ve noticed the past few days the amount of things I don’t do anymore that I used to, the amount of things I enjoyed and that became such a part of me that I don’t actually know at what point they stopped being such an important part. Simple things like making time to watch movies, read books, listen to music—I always used to have music on, I never went anywhere without headphones.
But last night, when I took myself off for a walk, with my headphones on, I realised I don’t really do that anymore. Funny the things you realise, not least when you write them down.