We’re coming to the end of my Concern 101 project. I’m grateful that people have been reading it and, apparently, liking it; I’m not about to do a summing up because we’re not quite at the end yet, but the fact that I’m heading back to work on Monday is very much at the forefront of my mind and I’ve got some housekeeping to address.
I didn’t apply for lots of new jobs – I didn’t even look for them.
Knowing I had very little money to do anything, I was aware that my aim should be to increase my chances of getting out of my rut by job hunting. What I didn’t expect was how much work that would take, mentally and emotionally, just to approach being in the right kind of place to achieve that.
And, obviously, by “right kind of place” I mean safe place. Where I felt okay to do it. Where I could place a glass gantry over the anxiety and walk over it, seeing it thrashing away under my feet but only just barely feeling it though my sneakers. I figured all it would take was concentration and determination, because I’d beaten it before.
I didn’t do what I intended doing, but I did something just as useful.
I put that glass over the anxiety. It just took me two weeks, not one. I’m behind schedule, but I’m not back at the beginning. I have a place to grow from.
I’m not proactively socialising – I barely have the drive to do so, to be quite honest. I’m not absorbing film and television like I used to – I’m aware I’m not making the time for it.
There’s still an aspect of guilt to that situation. Feeling like I should be in situ, at my MacBook, poring over my CV or job sites, or at least intending doing one of those things, rather than “wasting my time” watching television or going to the cinema.
I know it isn’t really a waste of time. I know that’s faulty thinking. I know that’s something my CBT would identify as a squishable notion.
I’ll work on the rest (especially the socialising one…that does concern me. There’s some apathy built in, plus a fair amount of resentment at having to do chasing with a lot of people and a resolution that I don’t want to anymore…but that’s a complicated thought for another day). But I wanted to take ten minutes just to take stock of what I have done.
To stop the anxiety, the black clouds and the dread. But part of finding the right angle to think at it from comes from taking stock of what I have managed this holiday and with this project – not what I had intended, maybe, but still achievements. Still progress. The need for many things — more money, more social life, less stress, more relaxation, a completely brand new job and approach to life — has only increased in that time.
If you follow the Concern, you like what you read and you also like movies — scratch that, you also LOVE movies — please go have a look at my other blog, The Onslaught, which is all about the love of movies. You’ll find it here: