#005: Hindsight

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It’s mildly unnerving how easily you slip back into old routines once they’re reinstated; after only one day back at work, I was back into the rhythm of work. The things that I had decided I might try and change about that routine, for various reasons, proved immensely difficult to change.

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I’ll drink less coffee in a day, I figured. My budget took a significant whack from the car last month, so I’m back to paying off £100 a month from the credit card for the foreseeable, so my coffee budget went down significantly for June.

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But it’s a controllable expense, so it got cut back a lot in my budget plan this month. This would be good for me in several ways, I assumed, forcing me towards cheaper espresso takeouts, not white mocha or flat whites.

(Even though I can do espresso at home, so it seems stupid buying a coffee I can make at home, when I could have something I don’t make at home. But whatever. That isn’t the point when it comes to saving money, is it…)

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I still have my morning Brace For Impact coffee in Starbucks to help me mentally prepare for the day; I still find I genuinely need that midday coffee just to get through the entire day. Either to wake me up from the stupor of boredom I’ve found myself locked in, or to boost my energy levels in a staffing arrangement that makes breaks difficult to take.

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It’s a perk. It keeps me going. It keeps me positive. A reward for getting that far.

And thinking about why I do that and why I need that got me thinking about how I’ve felt this week – how it’s different to how I felt before my holiday. I’m told word has reached certain people that my career progression ambition is To Leave As Soon As Possible, and so a “catch-up” is going to happen with certain people this week to discuss…why

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If they intend asking what it would take, that is, which I’m told they well might.

I’ve come to realise, this week, that I am actually done. The days seem so long because, yes, we haven’t been busy in a week of soaring temperatures and brilliant sunshine, but also the daily routine of the job leaves me cold and disinterested. I see the changes being made and the decisions moving through that effect us all and I look at them with a kind of emotional detachment – I don’t especially care. They won’t change anything, at least not for the better, and I don’t intend to be around to ride this set of bad ideas out.

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And I know it’s possible. I’m looking for jobs, every other day or so, just 15 minutes on my lunch or before work, to keep it manageable and within anxiety parameters. There’s not been a lot but there’s been some things that are almost there – one thing that would have been perfect if it hadn’t required in-depth knowledge of football and the Premier League, which I have…not even zero interest in, it’s likely into minus numbers.

It feels different, though. It feels good. After a week back at work, my stress levels are up somewhat, my sleeping patterns are pretty bad and I’m really tired – but I feel less erratic, my mind feels less burdened, I feel more out from under the shadow of that black cloud that pressed in on me all the time before my holiday.

The daily routine, whilst a real chore to get through, just isn’t important anymore. It’s feeling less and less relevant as it starts to take a back seat to whatever’s coming next.

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If you enjoy the Concern, head on over to The Onslaught, where I write about my love of movies. And I do love movies. Do you love movies? 

Go to there.

Onslaught Link

And don’t be shy of following me on Twitter, of course…

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